Monday, August 3, 2009

A (possibly) hilarious story!

When I started the blog I mentioned that I would bring to you along with upcoming books, short stories or funny anecdotes as well. Well its time for another.

Although this one has a lot of underlying Indian themes, I shall do my best to explain them all to you with examples. The author INfrequently blogs at Random Babble.

So here goes...


My Worst Nightmare


Recently, I had the misfortune of experiencing an atypically frightening nightmare (notice the unnecessary usage of the word 'frightening' with nightmare). No no, it was not the sort of nightmare where you're being chased by werewolves or being married off to Rakhi Sawant [1]. Rather it was a totally uneventful one, as non-events go but what I saw scared me out of my boxers (I wear boxers to sleep, if you would care to know).


Given the awesome powers of my imagination, I was somehow transported to the year 2050 (no not the one with Priyanka Chopra [2] in hooker-pink hair) . When I surfaced in the future, I saw and realised one inevitable, inescapable and inexorable truth - The future is India


Remember how back when we were kids, there was the joke that every 4th kid is a Chinese? Well, the joke remains the same; albeit a minor alteration. Every 4th kid is Chinese, every 2nd kid is Indian. No wonder the couple passing me by kept yelling at their kids - 'Rohan!' 'Sachin!' 'Confucius!' 'Bob!'. Based upon a theory grounded in nothing but a strong sense of stereotype and utter disdain, I conjectured - Third rate contraceptives, rampant illiteracy and general degeneration of the moral fabric of our society had resulted in the Indian populace putting the bunny reproductive rate to blushing shame.


Faced with a burgeoning population that refused to be wiped out, the world had to open its immigration doors to the Indians. Slowly, like the brown plague, we managed to spread our reaches around the world. The Statue of Liberty was draped in a traditional 9 yard Maharashtrian [3] saree and was promptly re-christened The Statue of Laavani [4]. LAX airport was dubbed Laxmi Bai Havai-Adda [5]. The dhobis [6] hung clothes from the steel girders of The Eiffel Tower as the onlooking French wept tears of Bordeaux wine. The Great Wall of China ceased to be the only man made structure visible from the moon. NASA ( New Amdaavadi Society for Aeroplanes) [7] confirmed that another much larger chain of Gujarati [8] settlements from Seattle on the West Coast to New York on the East, was also visible from the Earth's satellite.


The Pyramids were converted into malls and echoed not only with the cries of 'Mummy!' but also 'Daddy' and 'Rohan!' , 'Sachin!' , 'Confucius' and 'Bob!'. The Suez Canal (intentionally/ unintentionally) became the Sewage Canal and Mt. Everest became a bone of contention between the feuding Ambani families.[9]


As this kaleidoscope of horrors was revolving before my eyes, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around to take a look and what I saw completed the nightmare. A homely looking young girl-woman in a salwar kameez (looking like someone I refuse to acknowledge she looked like) was standing next to me. She looked distinctly like the kind of female that you have had babies with, which is why, it came as no surprise to me,when she looked around and said 'Oh! Have you seen Brijesh, Kamlesh, Arthur and Chow Yun Fat?' They were right here playing near the swings!'. Needless to say ,now, the proliferation of my progeny has acquired the makings of a decidedly scary proposition.


Thanking God for the small mercies in life I was awakened by the shrill scream of my mum from her bedroom, from which I correctly surmised, the mouse had evaded the trap and was presently terrorising my mum. Bracing myself for the vermin menace, I realised, with a smile on my face. This I can handle.



Footnotes:


1. Rakhi Sawant: Indian model, host of television show based on The Bachelorette . I will leave you to click on the link to find out more.

2.Priyanka Chopra: Miss World 2000. Now an Indian actress who was in a movie titled Love Story 2050, in whose reference the joke was made.

3.Maharashtraians: Inhabitants of the a state in India called Maharashtra which also boasts of having the city Mumbai. (Where I come from!)

4.Laavani: Traditional Maharashtrian dance/music. Demonstration here.

5.Laxmi Bai: Leading figures of Indian Revolution in 1857. Also known as Queen of Jhansi. (Side note: Havai Adda= Airport)

6.Dhobis: Washermen. Famous-- Ask any tourist who has visited Mumbai about Dhobighaat. Ifyou've seen Slumdog Millionaire you've seen what Dhobighaat looks like.

7.Amdaavadi : Slang for Ahmedabad. A place in the state of Gujarat, India.

8.Gujarati: A language (MY NATIVE LANGUAGE) of the people of Gujarat. And not necessarily of only the people living there. You can see ME talking Gujarati here.

9. Ambanis: A particular VERY rich family. Reliance Industries. Owned by 2 brothers after the death of their father. Strife-ridden at the moment. Has branched into almost every aspect of society possible.



NOTE: This post is meant to be taken in a purely humorous way. No ill intent was meant towards any member of any community. It was purely my (Mitali's) intent of showing a piece of the author's writing for a good laugh.


xoxo,

3 comments:

  1. I like your Gujarati! I speak it too. :P

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  2. I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


    Sara

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    ReplyDelete